Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
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