i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
