just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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