Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Randomize
