his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
