My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize