yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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