I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
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