When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
This is my gift to your gina
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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