Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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