Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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