as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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