Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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