Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Sex in the backyard? Check.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
