Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize