My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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