Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
