drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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