i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
