I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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