I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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