if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
