You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
