My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So many bounce houses so little time
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
