I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
