a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize