i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i would one night stand the shit outta him
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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