I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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