I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize