i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm gonna fight the coyote
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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