go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
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