I puked a lego.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
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