The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
