grandma shit on top of the toilet
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
