He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
