i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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