Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
