Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
they need to just BURY HIM!
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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