I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
