why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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