do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
