Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
