i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
