I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
