Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
