All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
