Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
