Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
home. puking in laundry basket.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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