I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
