He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
