Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
