Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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