so let's talk penis.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
