Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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