I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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