atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
