it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
