Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
...so i touched it.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
