Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
