i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Watching her eat just hurts me
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
